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take_my_mother

What to do?

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For people with difficult mothers

What to do?

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I can't tell you how happy I am that I came across this community.
I've been looking for somewhere like this since I first got my LJ - which was a long time ago.

So, for some background. I am an only child and have a very small family. My father passed away five years ago which, understandably, has left my mother devastated as they were married for over 40 years. She has always been impossible but has got so much worse since dad's not around. She nags about everything and says it's because I am the only person she can nag as the only other close family member is my grandmother (her mother) who is 85.

Anyway, we have countless rows with most of them being about my fiance Mark. She has never liked anyone I have ever gone out with and Mark is no exception. She does know we're engaged but she doesn't approve of him at all, saying things like how he's not what she imagined for me and how his job isn't good enough (he manages a bar/hostel in Camden) and how he doesn't have his own house/car etc. She can't understand that he makes me happy and that is all that matters - no matter how many times I try to tell her. She hasn't told any of her friends I am engaged (I assume because she feels embarassed). Only my grandma knows and she is happy for me (and always asks how Mark is when we speak).

She also uses emotional blackmail to try and re-inforce her points such as "your father would turn in his grave if he knew you were engaged to someone like Mark" etc etc etc. You can see why I am upset.

Anyway, I decided that I was going to go ahead and set our wedding date, book our venue and registrar - which I've done. The wedding is in September this year and all our friends and all Mark's family are over the moon.

I've not told mum yet. I have no idea how to do it. She is going to FLIP. I have run over what I am going to say over and over again in my head but when it comes to it I just can't get the words out. She won't like the venue, she won't like that we've picked somewhere intimate so that she can't invite too many random family members who I hardly know and she will just huff and puff about the whole thing making snide comments and making me feel bad.

How do I tell her? Such a MASSIVE part of me wants to not tell her at all and just let her know after the wedding but my maid of honour and bridesmaids have told me I'll regret that. I am not sure that I will but I know she'd never let me live it down.

Can anyone help? Obviously most of you reading this have difficult mothers. Have you ever been in this situation? I am desperate for some advice.

Thanks
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